Thoughts on 2018….

With a day left of this “year” of 2018 i am trying to processes what all has happened in the past 364 days. Really A LOT has happened. Good and bad. Great and complicated.

I’d love to say this year was filled with only adventures and fun (and it really was filled with a ton of those things)…but most honestly, it was filled with lessons..lessons i am just beginning to understand…and even comprehend.

This may not be a blog or anything of the sort….maybe it’s just my soul aching to get out.

I really don’t have much to say other than i am weak and i am tired. I have had to do a lot of letting go. And it honestly sucks.

I suck at letting go. It’s always been  it’s a thing of mine: Holding on when it it the time to let go. I have what you may call a “stubborn heart”. It’s my best and worst quality.

But I have the option of looking at things as what didn’t turn out and what did.

I have the choice to see the beauty in these 364 days and also see the sadness and then i have the biggest choice – to choose JOY and THANKFULNESS for it ALL. The Great and the Bad. The things where my soul soared and the things that made my soul ache. I can choose to see it all as grace and part of this journey and story God has for me and is telling through me.

“I’m singing this one like a broken piece of glass
For broken hearts and broken noses in the back
Is this the New Year or just another desperation?” – Switchfoot, “The Blues”

I think the New Year is part mourning and part celebrating – Mourning the things that did not come and the things that are over. And celebrating the things that did come and the things to come. The New Year is a mixed bag. Hope and desperation. Longing and fulfillment. Change and the same. Acceptance and perseverance.

This is where my heart is at – Somewhere in this beautiful, confusing in-between of joy and mourning. But AH! (#lightbulb) the bible says that Joy comes in the morning. Just a thought, but maybe it also means in the mourning…? This is something i do not know and certainly don’t take it from me, but i think it can have both meanings.

Why am i talking about mourning? Well, that is a loaded question but more it’s because a chapter in life is closing. 2018, a long yet incredibly fast chapter is closing and i have very mixed feelings about that.

See, i am scared of the New Year. Scared it won’t bring what i want. Scared i will fall. I’m also hopeful, hopeful it will bring beauty. Hope. New adventures.

My grandpa always loved to play Auld Lang Syne on NYE – A bittersweet tune and ache for all that has happened and all that will. New Year is bittersweet. It’s one of my favorite times, but it is mixed.

This year i have celebrated 7 years with my husband, visited with my family, had countless laughs and good times with my loved ones and even flew in a hot air balloon over Napa Valley. I celebrated 29 years on this earth with ones i hold dear (some were missing but they were in my heart, as always and forever and ever). I have beautiful memories of this year. But also, i worked a lot. I stressed a lot. I had a lot of panic attacks (which i am not ashamed to say i have). I have fought God, yelled at him (and others, sorry!), cried before God, worshiped before God and danced with joy and in prayer.

This is all part of the journey, a journey that spans a lifetime and will continue through 2019 and until God takes me Home.

I am sad to see this year go because of the sadness and the beauty and i am happy and scared to see it go because of the same.

All that to say, The New Year is/can be hard. Maybe it’s just me and my over thinking (another of my best and worst qualities) but i think in some way we all feel this…maybe not every year, maybe not everyone. But i know for a fact there are others out there who feel the same sadness/hope i feel on this last day of the chapter 2018.

So, if you do let me say this: I am WITH YOU. I feel you. Let’s hope for each other, okay? Me for you and you for me? We can do this. In all the anxiety i have the ONE AND ONLY TRUTH i know is that God makes ALL THINGS NEW. So we can count on NEW. 2019 may be one of struggle, but i guarantee you it will also be one of NEW and will hold BEAUTIFUL moments.

Because THERE IS HOPE. THERE IS HOPE my dear ones. We don’t have to live the same story. We have a whole new one ready to be written. So wait dear ones, wait. Hope is coming for you and me. Hope has already come for us in the form of a King come down to earth to be born in the humbleness of a manger to grow up to live for us, love us, teach us and die and rise again for US. My hope for all of us this year is that we can feel and live this love. And live it to the fullness. Maybe you you not where you want to be or where you thought you would be by now, but my dear, there is hope to be there. IF we LET ourselves get there.

So cheers! Cheers to the good and cheers to the bad. Cheers to what has been and cheers to what is to come. May we use this next 365 days wisely, with love, kindness, patience and an open, giving, loving heart.

 

Goodbye 2018, hello 2019 may you be a blessed year.

 

Love and blessings,

~CW

“And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” –Revelation 21:5

If you allow Him…

 

The above Facebook post was from 2010. And one of the reasons for this post.

For most of 2018 I have been very not myself. I have been bitter. I have been angry. I have been sad, restless, self loathing, selfish and many other things. But basically, I have left my heart get hard toward God. I say I love Him, I pray for others but in my heart i just didn’t feel it. Going through the motions.

Life is hard. Really freaking hard sometimes, but here is the thing – God can take all the pain and anxiety and turn it into beauty. IF we allow him. I have not been allowing him lately. I have been bitter I had begun to put up walls around my heart (I’m REALLY good at walls….I’m pretty much a pro), because “God, if your are not going to give me what I want then i will not be around you”. Yeah, bad attitude!! I had begun living a stale life,  because any life with bitterness and walls is going to be stale.

But that is not who I was called to be. Bitter and angry are not my names. NO, my name is redeemed. My name is healed. My name is set free. My name is whole. My name is Princess, because I am a daughter of The King. Created and called for a purpose.

The children of The King don’t lie on the floor in their fear and defeat. The children of The King rise up, hold their heads up high and say “My Father is greater than anything in this world, who can be against me?”.

I want to rise up. One of my favorite scriptures is in Mark 5 when Jesus raises the little girl from the dead – He says to the crying people “Why all this commotion and wailing? The child is not dead but asleep.” and then he takes the girl by the hand and says “Talitha koum!” (which means “Little girl, I say to you, get up!”). Spoiler alert, the girl stood up. I think that is what God tells us all when we are at the end of ourselves”Get up!”. Rise up. You are not dead, you just let yourself fall asleep. There is more for you to do. Rise up!

I long to be the that girl again in 2010 who, despite her circumstances and broken heart, was so hopeful in God’s ability to redeem. I look back on myself from last year at this time (which was one of the most challenging years of my life so far) and I think of how hopeful i was, my circumstances were pretty dark but i had a peace. I had love in my heart. I was praising (a little hint to what i will talk about in the next post). So why did i feel that way when i was hurting? Because i was allowing God into my life, i was letting Him take the pain instead of bottling it up and holding on to it myself. Somewhere along the way i started bottling…maybe because i didn’t get what i wanted in the time i wanted, maybe because i didn’t have time to deal with my issues. I’m not sure, but all i know is this: These walls are coming down in the name of Jesus!

These are just some of the things that are on my heart and that God’s has been teaching me. He is chipping away at the walls I have built and I feel it. Whatever you are going through, know you are not alone in this fight we call life. God can make things beautiful again, He can make things new again(He is perfect at making things new – Rev. 21:5 ya’ll!). But we have to allow him. So let’s allow Him shall we? I’m in this with you. We can do this through Christ.

Blessings,

~CW

 

 

 

 

 

 

2017 – What Is Left

It seems like i only get the time to blog right before the New Year. But this blog will be a little different than all the others.

Today is December 30th. There is only a day and a half left of 2017. I can’t put into words the relief and sadness that makes me feel. 2017 was by far the most rushed and surprising year for me. The first half of the year was running. The second half was more like limping, and at times crawling. Though there were many bright spots (mainly in the shape of the wonderful people in my life) there were also many dark spots.

I could very easily say “screw you 2017” as the clock strikes midnight tomorrow (and i’m sure i will in some way) but instead of writing about that here i am choosing to write some other thoughts i have about this year…

2017 taught me a lot of lessons but the biggest one of all was trust. I talk a lot about trust…i’m sure if you go back through all of my blogs (this one and all the many others i have had through the years) you will find that word a lot. But that is the thing; I have always talked about trust, trying to practice it, but I never really REALLY HAD TO. I’ve trusted God all my life with little and seemingly big things (some of them were bigger than others) but this year I HAD TO TRUST. There was no other option. No other way to do life. One of my favorite quotes is by Brennan Manning when he says “When all else is unclear, the heart of trust says, as Jesus did on the cross; ‘Into Your hands I commit my spirit’.” There were many moments this year where i have had to practice that but one in particular stands out. I had the choice to trust God or trust my circumstances. I chose God. And it was and is the best decision i made and am still making everyday. Because God knows more than we do. God sees and knows where He is taking us. It may not be the road you’d choose to walk or one you never thought you’d have to but He knows and He SEES YOU. Nothing can touch us without passing through His hands first.

When life is hard and uncertain trust is all there is. There is no mask, there is no clear view. There is only saying to God “in Your hands i commit my spirit”. And then saying that over and over, day after day, second after second when the fear and anxiety starts to take hold and it is all you can do to breathe. “God, into Your hands i commit my spirit”.

There have been very few moments in my life where i have audibly “heard” God speak to me…though He speaks through His scripture all of the time, this time was different. I was having a major anxiety attack (for those of you who deal with anxiety attacks you know what i am talking about, but for those of you who haven’t experienced them let me just say they SUCK and feel like you can’t breathe) after a long month and i just crumbled. At that moment, in my questioning state, God spoke to my spirit with just two firm words; “TRUST ME.”. That was it. TRUST ME. The words were firm and stern and deep within my soul. I could feel them and hear them. At that point i said the only thing anyone could say “Okay.”. And i dried my tears and went on with my day.

Trust is a daly choice and one that didn’t just get easier for me. But i am trying. In the bible in Rev. 21:5 God states “I make all things new. Write, for these words are trustworthy and true.”. God can’t lie, so trust leads me to believe that if i stand firm and have faith and trust in God when all i know is falling, then He will indeed make all things new…maybe not when i want them or how i would have them but He is faithful in every season. And for everything there is a season…

Which leads me to the next lesson, God IS FAITHFUL. His love is strong. Stronger than anything. 2017 has had it’s many trails but it’s done me the best favor; it’s led me into a deeper relationship with God. In the trails 2017 bought it revealed a deeper side to God’s strong, unending love that carries us when we can’t stand. And that is PRICELESS. I don’t know what i would do without that love…it brings joy in the pain. It’s a pillow to the restless. It’s a safety net to the falling. And it makes no sense how you can be joyful when in so much pain but the love of God makes it possible.

There are many things i could say about what this year has taught but those are thoughts for another time and blog. In closing i want to pose this question:

What should we say to 2017? After a hard year what do we say? What do we say to what is left? What do we say at midnight when we are pouring the champagne and clinking glasses? I am wresting with this question today.

 

 

Maybe it’s not saying “screw you” like i suggested before. Maybe it’s not “goodbye”. But maybe it’s holding our heads up and saying “thank you”…through clinched fists and strained voices, with all the strength of our soul and a deep breathe; “thank you.” Thank you that i am alive. Thank you that i am still here breathing because that means there is still a chance. A chance for hope. A chance for joy. A chance for healing. A chance for New.

I think it takes true strength to say thank you to what has broken you. And by “broken” please don’t get me wrong, i mean broken in the best sense. It can be a beautiful, albeit incredibly bittersweet, to be broken. Because then we have the chance to be made new. Jesus’ was broken for us and look at what amazing beauty came of that.

So wherever you are, wherever 2017 finds you i pray we find the strength to say our parting words to the year not in bitterness but in hope. I know it’s tough. I know it may be gut wrenchingly hard. But i pray that you can see how much God loves you and that deep in your soul you will feel and know that He makes all things new. He IS faithful. In every season, in the joy and in the pain, God IS FAITHFUL.

I am not the same person i was on Jan. 1st 2017. And, no matter how hard the changing was, i like the new me.

Happy New Year my dear, beautiful, loving friends. I am TRULY thankful for you all and I pray blessings over your 2018, my God make it new and beautiful.

~CW

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33

“And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” – Rev. 21:5

“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; 

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?

I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.

He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.” Ecclesiastes 3:1-11

 

 

Thoughts On Time and Places….

So i turn 28 on Sunday…ekk weird huh? Two years until 30 (whoa!). I’ve been in a sort of weird place as of late with the getting older and the various work stress, life stress and my overall issues. I have not been handling these stresses the best. I’ve been trying by hardest to let God take my burdens and surrender my worries to Him…but that is so easier than said and as much as i desire it it seems so very away sometimes.

I had hoped to “have it all together” at this point (HA!!). Or even have it semi-all together. But have i come to realize that that is just not me – not my life plan. I am that “hot mess” gal that you see who is just trying her best to love others and love Jesus and keep her clients and companies happy all the while doing her best to be a great wife and friend, daughter and sister and have that rockin’ cat eye on point (yall know i love my eyeliner!). I fall short (pun intended…ya know, because i am short..get it?) most of the time.

But here i am, confused, tired, excited and so many other things And really in need of some time away. Time to un-plug, time to read, write, listen, eat, swim,explore, to find myself again. .And cry. Because sometimes you just need some time to cry for what has been and what will be.

With all that being said, i have begun to write a list of things i feel are important to remember and do as well i things a few things i have learned in these 28 years. Cheers!

1. Dream

This 28th year of my life is really want to restart dreaming. And i don’t just mean dream – I mean dreaming in the power of Jesus. Praying and dreaming with hope to bring glory to His name and love, help and connect others to His love and healing. I have always had this feeling, and it is growing stronger by the day,  that there is something God wants me to do with this messy, batty heart and story of mine….i don’t what that is but i feel like He is putting new thoughts, dreams, hopes and ideas in my heart and  i am excited to find the out and what He wants me to do with them. Life gets in the way of dreaming sometimes…the list of things clients need, laundry that has to be done, dinner that has to be cooked and cleaned and so on and so on but dreaming is important and 28 will be my dreaming year. So Cheers!

2. Explore

While i LOVE exploring this big ol’ world and want to do more of it in this list item i am talking about exploring who you are, who i am. It does go with #1 but comes with a whole new set of emotional baggage but is worth it i believe. Again i repeat life gets in the way too often and with responsibilities (What’s that?….*shout out to all the MXPX fans who actually get that reference…if you don’t we can’t be friends…lol i’m just kidding, look it up and then we can be friends)

3. Create

While my job requires me to be creative on a day-to-day basis i have found that i NEED a creative outlet outside of my work – Writing is one of those outlets, baking is too, along with painting which i have taken up with my mom in-law and sis in-law in recent years. This year i really want to take more time to create in many different forms – Painting, writing, baking, crafting and finally learning and finishing those crochet and cross stitch projects i started 3 years ago but got too busy to complete. And anything else God puts on my heart. This year, i pray, will be a year of creation

4. Laugh

I am a big fan of laughter…if you know me at all you know i laugh a lot…and usually at the most random and inappropriate times (thankfully my husband is the same so we get each other lol). I feel laughter can get you through the most messed up times…even if the only thing to laugh at is how messed up the situation is it does help. So want to always remember to laugh….laugh is the good times, in the awkward times and in the “i have no idea how i am going to do this/get through this/what is going to happen times. Oh, and you don’t already have some find some crazy friends who will laugh with you at all of these things and even crazier things because that really helps your heart too (it really helps mine <3)

5. Remember it WILL all be okay

This is one i am having to remind myself as of late. And as i write this it is hard for me….but i know IT IS TRUE. Things ache and life can get very, very stressful and frustrating but it really will be okay. I have gone through some dark times in my life, times of confusion, depression and many other various situations where it seems so hopeless…but guess what? HOPE FOUND ME. As it always does and always will – but you have to let it in. Don’t give yourself away to despair –  hope and joy are ready to hold you. So let it hold you. Let God hold you

Also, i want to remember where i have been, what i have prayed for, and how God has moved and answered me. This is very important in life. Keeping a prayer journal helps so you can record your prayers and ways God has answered…i’ve not been very good at keeping up with that but i would like to do so this year.

6.Breathe

This year i want to take more time to breathe. To step back from everyday life/stress/work and take care of myself. My heart, mind, body and soul. Whether that comes in the form of creating or praying or just taking longer walks in the woods my heart, every heart, needs that time to reconnect with one’s self and with God. I love nature, i love walking and exploring the woods on our land finding new plants and creeks and breathing in the fresh air while the sun kisses my skin. I will do more of that this year. I will take more time to lay on the grass and stare at the clouds and stairs and let my heart be made new by its beauty.

7. Surrender

Ah surrender, you funny friend…always so easy to invite in, so hard to let stay. But in the end so beautiful to commune with. Surrender is easier said than done, and believe me on most days it is a power struggle but i know, i KNOW, from experience it is the ONLY way. I look back on my life to when i have FULLY surrendered to God, like EVERYTHING…relationships, mind, body, circumstances and i see His fingerprints so clearly it’s almost too crazy…but it’s not

8. Trust

I don’t do well with trust…even though i desire it it is so hard for me. Even though time and time and time again God had proven He WILL provided exceedingly more than i could ask in times of trouble i turn to doubt. This is silly. As i know, I HAVE SEEN God work in my life and the lives other others. I wants so desperately to be like Jesus on the cross and say “Into Your hands i commit my spirit”

The song “It Is Well” by Bethel Music describes my prayer for this year of my life “So let go my soul and trust in Him The waves and wind still know His name”

Trusting in God’s time, plan, path and will can be so hard, but dear heart listen when i say this (to me as much as you reading) it IS AND WILL BE WORTH IT.

So, those are my 8 things i want to do in my 28th year on this big ‘ol beautiful, crazy world. I would love to hear what things you are hoping to make time for this year if you feel so inclined to share 🙂

In closing, i want to give a big shout out and thanks to those wonderful people who put up with me for my whole life and every day – I know i can be a lot to deal with sometimes lol but ya’ll keep this heart of mine happy and full. I am SO crazy thankful for the people in my life; my family on both sides, my husband and my sweet friends, thank you all for loving me and always being there to listen, pray and share life with me.

Cheers 28, my eyes and heart are wide open waiting to see what you have in store ❤

-CW

Before Midnight-Conclusions on 2016

I’ve already shared my thoughts about the end of this year in my last blog post “Burn It Down And Walk Away” but i find that i have just a few more things to say regarding 2016 and the things it has taught me, things i want to remember and a little advice to myself….So here goes.

Don’t Hold On –

So many times when going through difficult situations in life we hear others say “just hold on, it will get better” and while yes i do believe it will get better, i think holding on is the last thing we need to do – we need to LET GO. Let go, unclench our fists and let God carry us. Letting go is the only time when we can completely surrender to God and let Him carry our burdens. I am no expert in this. I hold on WAY too tight to my issues, my anxiety, my frustrations. But in 2017 i long to let go – To let the God of healing and new beginnings take my brokenness and carry me into His peace that passes all understanding.

Stop Planning  –

I am a planner. It is just who i am. If i’m going to do something i like to plan out the way it will/should go, make a list, go over it in my head. And while this is all good and fine for say a trip to the grocery store or a meal, the problem is that i do this with my everyday life…the things i want. And that leaves no room for God to enact His plan in my life….i am so focused on how i want things to turn out and i hold it too close.

I want things in MY TIME and MY WAY. BUT My God is not moved by me…no my God is not moved by schedules, calendars or clocks. Everything happens in HIS perfect time.Nothing that happens in our lives shocks Him – nothing gets to us without passing through His hands first. We may not understand the timing/way or events that unfold but one thing is for certain – His way are not my ways, His thoughts are higher than mine and He works ALL things for GOOD for those who love Him.

I’ve been very anxious this year…i have always had anxiety issues but 2016 brought them out in full force. But i had a moment recently when life was just getting too too much for me to handle and i broke down and had more joy than i had had in so long when i finally, though tears and the kind of laughter only full joyous surrender brings said “In Your time, Lord. You will resolve everything my heart is aching and worrying over IN YOUR TIME.

And that my dear friends, took such a weight off of me – Because suddenly, i didn’t have to  plan, i didn’t have to lose sleep worrying. I was letting God take it for me and handle it. Now, i won’t say that my anxiety is something that just “poof” went away and now i am skipping through fields of happy flowers in bliss – No, it is a daily process for me. When i feel overwhelmed, angry, depressed and anxious – when i feel that panic attack coming on and i can’t breathe and i’m crying over things lost and wanted i have to surrender it to God , take a deep breath and say “In Your Time”.

Be Broken –

Brokenness is something we all try to steer clear of but i’m talking about being broken before God – Being vulnerable. I am not one for showing my deep emotions to just anyone…sure it’s easy to cry over a chick flick but not so easy for deeper issues. I have a hard time being broken….My husband can attest to this. But it is only in the brokenness that God can really begin to recreate you and speak to you – I long to be broken for the things His heart breaks for. I long to be arms, hands and heart wide open for God to shape and transform and renew.

So those are my last few thoughts for 2016, as we near midnight and the champagne pops and fireworks explode these 3 things will be may prayer as i kiss my love and say hello to the New Year. I pray you and i can unclench our fists, let God plan our year and that we can be open enough to be restored and redeemed through His great love this year. I pray whoever you are, wherever December 31st 2016 finds you, that you dear one, will feel the love and peace of God.

Cheers loves,

Every breath and every tick of the clock is a second chance.

~CW

Burn It Down And Walk Away

I haven’t been in the blogging world much (like not at all) this year and even though i have a ton of work and clients are impatient i am finding myself in a need to write mood today so here goes…

At the end of every year i write a blog going over some of the highlights and low points in that particular year…not so much for others to know but for me to remember. 2016 has been split down the middle for us…half of the year was amazing…the other half…well, it’s been pretty dang tough.

So this leaves me in a weird place….

In early-mid 2016  we were able to travel and have many great family memories. From Cabo in January to the British Isle in May – both incredible, wonderful experiences to see the world…i cant put into words what seeing England, Scotland, Ireland and Pairs was like for me….it was beautiful.

Aaaaand because life really is all about peaks and mountains life took a very tough turn after that.

Work became filled with more stress than usual….and while i can’t go into details here, it was a battle. People you trusted became people who you wish you’d never met. There were long, long days and nights of work and rebuilding. It was a lot.

In that though (#brightside #blessings ;p ) other relationships were strengthened and i have come even more love the people who we work with/our friends who have our backs….they are family ❤

But life has been tough, things that i thought would, in mind, be perfect ended well, not so much. I’m in  a place of exhaustion, wanting, impatience….and some brat in there too lol.

I am looking forward to a new year…i don’t think it will mean the same to me as every other New Year’s Eve in the past but more a somber day…

I want to let this year go…i want to let my heavy heart go. I want to believe that on midnight i can begin again (like i always used to believe ).

But alas, life grows us and our hearts in both good and bad ways. And i choose to be happy about that.

I choose to let this heavy heart/heavy year have an ending. With the pop of the champagne bottle and some tears, smiles and laughs i choose to let it end.

To let the hope flow in, to toast to a new year with new possibilities…through the tears i will toast.

I will raise my glass to lessons learned…lessons on how to trust my God and my husband and self. Lessons on how  i fail but God picks me up. Lessons on grace and how much i truly need it.

I will clink my glass with my love on midnight, kiss him and thank God that we are still here – that every breath is a second chance. A chance to believe, a chance to learn and a chance to experience the love and grace of God.

So my dear ones, here is to us – the ones that don’t have it all together, the ones who hurt, the ones who struggle with anxiety and depression, and the ones who are just longing for their home.  We are all just passing through this crazy world. So i raise my glass to you, to me and to this crazy,wonderful, stressful year. Let’s let it end, let’s let it die. Let’s take the lessons, light it up, pour the champagne (or sparkling grape juice – whatever you prefer) and burn it down and walk away.

Making room for new.

 

“He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” – Rev 21:5

 

~CW

 

2015 Year In Review

With only two more days left in 2015 I have been reflecting back on all this year has brought…it’s been a mixed bag for sure.

This year began as one of the most challenging in a long time for me as I struggled to take my self off of medication and get myself to a healthy place mentally,physically and spiritually. I am happy to say God saw me through and I really feel so much healthier in every way. And I feel a lot more at peace with who I am.

2015 also brought some very fun moments with loved ones, like vacationing in ST.Augustine for a week in May with my husband and his family.

I have decided that it is my new favorite vacation spot and when I can’t sleep at night I dream of my perfect little space on the sand with my music and books 🙂

My husband took me for a lovely and extravagant dinner in ATL for my 26th…it was a perfect and yummy day 🙂
  

Fourth of July was my favorite so far with a ton of family and fireworks pool side put on by my hubs.

  
Of course there was the traditional trip to Texas in July for my parents birthday and my sis and I had too much fun shopping in Austin, baking, visiting with my sweet cousin and her adorable little boy and even geocaching (it was a fail but still fun lol). I even got to see a friend I hadn’t seen in a few years!

  

Oh and there was a little night where we went to see MUTEMATH LIVE!! Just as epic as I always thought!!

The latter part of the year is when God decided to take us on an adventure though….

Chason found some land he was interested in looking at but when we saw it it wasnt right for us…that opened up the door and we started searching for a place we could really plant roots. Many options were looked at and we thought we had found the one! And then it went under contract. Big bummer. We felt very sad and a bit lost.

Then literally the next day we saw a listing for a gorgeous piece of land and we set up a time to go look at it…well the moment we got home after walking it Chason asked me what I thought of it and my words were “let’s do it!”.

So we did!!

We are SO excited and blessed that this will be our future and new chapter!! It’s perfect for us! SO much room to roam and explore! A beautiful creek running though it and a lovely pond with fishys! And it is so peaceful..no speeding cars or loud dogs barking! Just goes to show when God closes one door He always opens a new and better one!

  
  

And it came at the perfect time because Chason and I just celebrated our 4 year anniversary! We took a sweet picnic on the land that day to celebrate 🙂

It was been such a crazy hard and long process to get here and Chason has worked his cute butt off to give us this beautiful future and I can’t thank God enough for him (seriously babe, you are amazing and i am so thankful for you) and for God’s grace and provision for our lives through the years and especially this year! Friends, I know life is super hard and sometimes very depressing but the Lord is so faithful! Let me say that again, the Lord is so forever faithful in His love and provision! It was through Him alone that we got the strength for this year and through Him how we will get through the next year.

But this year has not been without its losses. This month my family lost a dear member. My sweet cousin Lori went to be with Jesus early this month. It was a sudden and devastating loss and we are all grieving her not being on this earth anymore. She had the most beautiful smile and laugh and made you feel so happy and loved when you were around her. I’ll always remember the night she came to hang out with my sister and I and we stayed up talking until 2am about Gilmore Girls and other fun things. I will forever miss her. And like I said before, I know she is with our sweet Jesus and we will see her again one day.

 

In saying that, I want to encourage you friends to hold your dear ones tight. This coming year make it a point to say “I love you” more. Give more hugs. Stay a little longer. Tell people what they mean to you.

This year I want to cherish every second. I want to be in the moment with the ones I love. And this year I want to go deeper in my relationships and in my life. We are not promised tomorrow. We only have the moment we are in…to say the things we want to and to live our lives for Christ. Don’t wait until the last second for the things that really matter.

So here’s to you 2016, may you bring such blessings and love and joy.

May our Lord be with you all my sweet friends, and may He surround you with His great love and grace. I pray we all get to know The Savior greater and deeper this year. Cheers loves, let’s make 2016 beautiful!

-CecilyW

 

Some other fun moments from 2015 – 

Callaway Gardens with my bible study ladies in May 🙂 

My family came to GA to visit me in December!! LOVE when they are here!! 
  

Thanksgiving!! 
  
Christmas with my sweet ladies

We bought a tractor and caught our first fish from our pond 🙂 

Christmas 2015 
  

God Bless This Mess…Seriously – Thoughts On Being Perfectly Imperfect.

I’m sure you’ve seen the shirts with the phrase “God bless this mess” on them all over the net and Pinterest…and of course there’s the Sheryl Crow song (which i hate).

These four words really describe how i feel. These days and always. I have never had it together. Ever. And by 26 i figure it’s just not in the cards so to speak so let’s just go with it. Why not embrace the mess of a gal i am and how much i desperately need the grace and love of God and those close to me.

It’s not easy to embrace. I like perfection. I like being the apple in the eyes of the ones i love. But i fall short, if only according to myself, and that is tough for someone like me.

Slowly i’m growing into the type of person who is happy with her crazy self, slowly. It takes prayer and time and lots and lots of just saying “hell, i’m just flippin’ going to be who i am!” on many, many occasions.

And maybe who i am is not who i always will be or was. And truly i believe that is okay. Because i am just learning and growing in this fast paced world and maybe i don’t always have to be sane or right or even what everybody expects. Maybe i just need to be what i am right now. Right in this moment. A mess. A crazy, loving, weird, scared, excited, messed up, happy, confused, liberated and totally unorganized girl who really deeply loves Jesus and her husband.

And let God take me where he wants.

Because i am tired of trying to be “together” and i feel that if we try and hide the mess we really hide who God created us to be.

My house is usually dusty and i can’t seem to plan meals a head of time to save my life and i forget most things if they aren’t written down. But i love my God. I love my husband. I love my family. And you know what, i even love me.

The me i am right now. In this chaos. The me i grew into. The me that knows and understands so many things that i didn’t before and the me that knows i have no clue about anything at all in life but is sure willing to learn.

So God bless this crazy mess. She’s a handful but she’s pretty cool 😉
– Cecily

On Dating Sites…- My journey from JC Match to Christian Mingle success.

This week is the 4 year anniversary of when Chason and I met face to face for the first time on my 22nd birthday after months of letters, texts and 7 hour phone calls. So in honor of that I thought it would be a good time to write about my experience with dating sites over the years and how I met my husband.

It all started at show in Dallas.

Rock and Worship road show in ’09 was the place I received my first flyer for a Christian dating site that would later lead me to join said site, join every other one out there and eventually meet the man I now call my husband. This is a little about that journey and all the crazy that is the online dating experience.

When my sister, cousin and I all got the flyer while in line for a show on that spring TX day we thought it would be just amusing enough to join. And if you know us you know that we will do a lot just for our own amusement. My cousin joined first and my sister and I followed. It was weird but hey, I was single and living in a small town…what other options did I have?

I talked to a dude and he drove to my house. He arrived at midnight and was greeted only by me and my sister…my father was asleep in the other room and mom was out-of-state. I mention this because I would advise others to not do this. Thankfully this dude was just a just a normal 23-year-old dud and not an ax murder so I was safe, but as a rule of thumb always meet either in a public place or have more than just your sister right with you.

That experience was…interesting…to say the least and I vowed to never try online dating again. Why? Well because I found that with the town I lived in any relationship I was going to get from a dating site would be long distance and that failed miserably because well, 20 something guys just don’t have what it takes for that.

Flash forward to some months later I was back in the dating site world. And by back I mean I was on every one of them. eHarmony? Yep. Match.com? Sadly, yes. Christian Mingle? You bet! All the ones you see commercials for my picture and quirky bio was there.

I found eHarmony to be nice. I never paid though because I was poor but the free version was enough for a bit. Found a couple nice dudes but none i clicked with. Mostly i felt they matched me with the most boring men out there. Christian, but boring and not at all my type.

Match.com…oh my, the worst! All my matches were town/close to town guys, which wouldn’t have been so bad if they didn’t have their pants down to their knees and listened to ghetto music (yes i judged the guys by the music they listed…which is how I judge all people).

JC Match was the very first one I ever joined so I feel I should mention them. I don’t think they are even running anymore so we will just leave it at that.

Now we are to Christian Mingle…oh Christian Mingle, the surprise of my life. I was on there for a few months and not much luck until one day in late February 2011. I got a “smile” from a Chason Arthur (Christian Mingle has this thing were you can send smilies to the person you’re interested in before writing them). I clicked his profile and saw a dashing handsome face with the most charming smile I had ever seen (and really nice arms I might add ;). He was from Georgia and looked like the perfect southern man. I waned to kitty pounce hug him. So I sent him a “smile” back.

(our profile pictures that we each had up)

Then followed a week or so of fun questions sent back and forth between us. The questions were fun and lighthearted like “Where would you take your dream vacation?” and stuff like that. Just like eHarmony I wasn’t a paying member so I couldn’t write or see messages I could only “smile” and send questions. Thankfully for me Chason is a clever one and got my little profile picture hint that led him to my Facebook…ladies and gents, this really works! Dating sites won’t allow you to put any social media links in your profile but you can get around it by splitting up the link in your picture captions 😉

On March 11th 2011 we sent our very first letter to each other via Facebook. That letter was followed by many, many others along with many texts and long phone calls. He ended up moving down to Austin to intern at The Austin Stone so we then decided to meet in person on my 22nd birthday.

When the day arrived that Chason was to come to my home the air conditioning broke in my house which led to me doing my makeup while sweating lol. Go figure. But I eventually did get my self together and I texted Chason to head on over from the b&b he was staying at in my town (actually I said “get over here before  I jump out of my skin from nervousness” lol). I will forever remember watching him through my window walking nervously to my door, hands in the pockets of his ripped jeans. After a few minutes of waiting he texted me that my door bell was broken lol. I opened it up and saw the sweet face of the man I had fallen in love with through letters and phone calls.

We chatted awkwardly for few and then headed to a little restaurant for lunch followed by a visit to the bookstore and then a walk at the bay where we held hands for the first time. And as he held me in his arms there by the water I knew I was home.

That was such a perfect, lovely, special day. And as hugged him goodnight at 1am after watching movies on my parents couch I couldn’t believe I found my husband to be on the Internet 🙂 Yeah it’s safe to say that Christian Mingle was a hit and pretty much made my life awesome.

So to any single people out there that are thinking of trying out the online dating world or maybe have tried it but haven’t had much luck, to you I say just keep casting your net. Maybe you won’t find your special one on the web…but maybe, just maybe you will. And that possibility is too exciting to pass by. Be patient and be cautious, use good judgment. But keep your heart and mind open, you never know just when God will surprise you.

Cheers,

CecilyW

The Road To New – Celexa and God

“Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.” – Ecclesiastes 3:11

December 2012 was my first Christmas in GA and also my first Christmas away from my family. It was a very tough season for me. Earlier that year in April i officially moved to the peach state. I was also newly married. It was a very hard season of change for me. So a week before Christmas i decided to try an anti-depressant for the first time. It helped. So i stayed on it. Fast forward to January of this year, i made the decision to come off of Celexa for the simple reason that i just didn’t need it anymore.

“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” – Philippians 1:6

It’s been a rough road. Even though i came off gradually i still got electric shock feelings and over all tingling sensations all over my body which made not only working and interacting but also just the simple act of being awake very hard. Brain fog and balance problems were there too. Oh and emotions. Crazy, roller coaster emotions as well.

I feel like the flood gates have broken open and every single emotion i have and have ever had is coming by to say “hello” and “i’m just going to make my home here and never leave”.

But, i think there is something here to learn. I have this crazy feeling God is in this. After many days and nights crying out to Him about how i can’t control these emotions and feelings of mine i slowly feel like my heart is changing and coming to understand that this is clean up time. This is Cecily heart maintenance. And it’s a rough, painful job.

“There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build” – Ecclesiastes 3:1-3

God is really using this time of my life to show me just how cold and lost my heart is when i don’t keep Him at the center of my life. He is bringing to light all of the crappy feelings i have let fester inside of me for too long. Things that it’s time to let go of. Things that He wants me to see through His eyes. Not my own.

“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” – Romans 12:2

To be honest, it has left me drained and exhausted. Drained because it’s a fight. A fight between my self and God and the enemy. I don’t want to surrender and moreover the enemy doesn’t want me to surrender. Because if i do surrender God will take over. I won’t be able to hold on to the anger, fear, insecurity and pain that i have found a home in for so long. If i surrender God will make this mess beautiful.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28

I am not very beautiful right now. My heart needs maintenance. It needs to be broken. I need to be broken so i can be made new. There is a season for everything. This is my season to be made new. To let God take all this junk in this heart and to make it love what He loves and see how He sees and act how He acts. Oh how i want that.

“He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” Revelation 21:5

So as much as i feel beat i know i am not. I know this is the valley on the way to what God has planned. And i am so excited to see what He has at the end of this valley. My eyes are wide with hope and expectancy. I will wait and i will fight and i will surrender. I will let my God, my King fight for me because i don’t have the strength to fight on my own. And in the end it will be beautiful and i will be refined.

I’ve heard it said that God loves you too much to leave you the way that you are. I think that is true.

“These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold–though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.” – 1 Peter 1:7

~Cecily