With a day left of this “year” of 2018 i am trying to processes what all has happened in the past 364 days. Really A LOT has happened. Good and bad. Great and complicated.
I’d love to say this year was filled with only adventures and fun (and it really was filled with a ton of those things)…but most honestly, it was filled with lessons..lessons i am just beginning to understand…and even comprehend.
This may not be a blog or anything of the sort….maybe it’s just my soul aching to get out.
I really don’t have much to say other than i am weak and i am tired. I have had to do a lot of letting go. And it honestly sucks.
I suck at letting go. It’s always been it’s a thing of mine: Holding on when it it the time to let go. I have what you may call a “stubborn heart”. It’s my best and worst quality.
But I have the option of looking at things as what didn’t turn out and what did.
I have the choice to see the beauty in these 364 days and also see the sadness and then i have the biggest choice – to choose JOY and THANKFULNESS for it ALL. The Great and the Bad. The things where my soul soared and the things that made my soul ache. I can choose to see it all as grace and part of this journey and story God has for me and is telling through me.
“I’m singing this one like a broken piece of glass
For broken hearts and broken noses in the back
Is this the New Year or just another desperation?” – Switchfoot, “The Blues”
I think the New Year is part mourning and part celebrating – Mourning the things that did not come and the things that are over. And celebrating the things that did come and the things to come. The New Year is a mixed bag. Hope and desperation. Longing and fulfillment. Change and the same. Acceptance and perseverance.
This is where my heart is at – Somewhere in this beautiful, confusing in-between of joy and mourning. But AH! (#lightbulb) the bible says that Joy comes in the morning. Just a thought, but maybe it also means in the mourning…? This is something i do not know and certainly don’t take it from me, but i think it can have both meanings.
Why am i talking about mourning? Well, that is a loaded question but more it’s because a chapter in life is closing. 2018, a long yet incredibly fast chapter is closing and i have very mixed feelings about that.
See, i am scared of the New Year. Scared it won’t bring what i want. Scared i will fall. I’m also hopeful, hopeful it will bring beauty. Hope. New adventures.
My grandpa always loved to play Auld Lang Syne on NYE – A bittersweet tune and ache for all that has happened and all that will. New Year is bittersweet. It’s one of my favorite times, but it is mixed.
This year i have celebrated 7 years with my husband, visited with my family, had countless laughs and good times with my loved ones and even flew in a hot air balloon over Napa Valley. I celebrated 29 years on this earth with ones i hold dear (some were missing but they were in my heart, as always and forever and ever). I have beautiful memories of this year. But also, i worked a lot. I stressed a lot. I had a lot of panic attacks (which i am not ashamed to say i have). I have fought God, yelled at him (and others, sorry!), cried before God, worshiped before God and danced with joy and in prayer.
This is all part of the journey, a journey that spans a lifetime and will continue through 2019 and until God takes me Home.
I am sad to see this year go because of the sadness and the beauty and i am happy and scared to see it go because of the same.
All that to say, The New Year is/can be hard. Maybe it’s just me and my over thinking (another of my best and worst qualities) but i think in some way we all feel this…maybe not every year, maybe not everyone. But i know for a fact there are others out there who feel the same sadness/hope i feel on this last day of the chapter 2018.
So, if you do let me say this: I am WITH YOU. I feel you. Let’s hope for each other, okay? Me for you and you for me? We can do this. In all the anxiety i have the ONE AND ONLY TRUTH i know is that God makes ALL THINGS NEW. So we can count on NEW. 2019 may be one of struggle, but i guarantee you it will also be one of NEW and will hold BEAUTIFUL moments.
Because THERE IS HOPE. THERE IS HOPE my dear ones. We don’t have to live the same story. We have a whole new one ready to be written. So wait dear ones, wait. Hope is coming for you and me. Hope has already come for us in the form of a King come down to earth to be born in the humbleness of a manger to grow up to live for us, love us, teach us and die and rise again for US. My hope for all of us this year is that we can feel and live this love. And live it to the fullness. Maybe you you not where you want to be or where you thought you would be by now, but my dear, there is hope to be there. IF we LET ourselves get there.
So cheers! Cheers to the good and cheers to the bad. Cheers to what has been and cheers to what is to come. May we use this next 365 days wisely, with love, kindness, patience and an open, giving, loving heart.
Goodbye 2018, hello 2019 may you be a blessed year.
Love and blessings,
“And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” –Revelation 21:5