The Road To New – Celexa and God

“Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.” – Ecclesiastes 3:11

December 2012 was my first Christmas in GA and also my first Christmas away from my family. It was a very tough season for me. Earlier that year in April i officially moved to the peach state. I was also newly married. It was a very hard season of change for me. So a week before Christmas i decided to try an anti-depressant for the first time. It helped. So i stayed on it. Fast forward to January of this year, i made the decision to come off of Celexa for the simple reason that i just didn’t need it anymore.

“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” – Philippians 1:6

It’s been a rough road. Even though i came off gradually i still got electric shock feelings and over all tingling sensations all over my body which made not only working and interacting but also just the simple act of being awake very hard. Brain fog and balance problems were there too. Oh and emotions. Crazy, roller coaster emotions as well.

I feel like the flood gates have broken open and every single emotion i have and have ever had is coming by to say “hello” and “i’m just going to make my home here and never leave”.

But, i think there is something here to learn. I have this crazy feeling God is in this. After many days and nights crying out to Him about how i can’t control these emotions and feelings of mine i slowly feel like my heart is changing and coming to understand that this is clean up time. This is Cecily heart maintenance. And it’s a rough, painful job.

“There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build” – Ecclesiastes 3:1-3

God is really using this time of my life to show me just how cold and lost my heart is when i don’t keep Him at the center of my life. He is bringing to light all of the crappy feelings i have let fester inside of me for too long. Things that it’s time to let go of. Things that He wants me to see through His eyes. Not my own.

“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” – Romans 12:2

To be honest, it has left me drained and exhausted. Drained because it’s a fight. A fight between my self and God and the enemy. I don’t want to surrender and moreover the enemy doesn’t want me to surrender. Because if i do surrender God will take over. I won’t be able to hold on to the anger, fear, insecurity and pain that i have found a home in for so long. If i surrender God will make this mess beautiful.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28

I am not very beautiful right now. My heart needs maintenance. It needs to be broken. I need to be broken so i can be made new. There is a season for everything. This is my season to be made new. To let God take all this junk in this heart and to make it love what He loves and see how He sees and act how He acts. Oh how i want that.

“He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” Revelation 21:5

So as much as i feel beat i know i am not. I know this is the valley on the way to what God has planned. And i am so excited to see what He has at the end of this valley. My eyes are wide with hope and expectancy. I will wait and i will fight and i will surrender. I will let my God, my King fight for me because i don’t have the strength to fight on my own. And in the end it will be beautiful and i will be refined.

I’ve heard it said that God loves you too much to leave you the way that you are. I think that is true.

“These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold–though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.” – 1 Peter 1:7

~Cecily

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This is my 50 Shades of Gray Post

I know, before you sigh and click off this blog thinking “Oh, another prudish, judgmental Christian ranting about what they think is wrong” please give me a few minutes of your time will you? Thank you, you are very polite 🙂

First off, i’m not a prude. Though i have been called that before (and it made my day) i really am not. So with that being said, let’s talk about sex (sorry mom).

I’ve been married for 3 years and almost 3 months, so don’t think sex is bad in anyway.Just putting that out there for the ones that think Christians hate sex.

Sex was created by God to be a loving and enjoyable act between two souls who share their lives together in the union of marriage. And of course to create life.

I have no objection to mixing it up in the safety of your bedroom and your spouse.Have fun. Enjoy each other. Get to fully know one another.

See that is the amazing thing about sex – We get to know someone fully in ways no one else knows. That is true intimacy.

50 Shades doesn’t promote intimacy, it promotes and focuses on force, domination and down right abuse. I’m sorry if someone is offended by this. But it really is true. If your partner is hitting you in the bedroom so hard that you start to cry. That there is ABUSE. It is not LOVE.

There is something wrong when your partner refers to you as their “submissive” and instructs you on when to do things like shave and so on. This is dominance and abuse. This is not true love.

True love doesn’t force. True love respects you. True love is safe. True love doesn’t leave marks on you. True love is not domineering, acting like you are property.

The last thing i want to address is the porn issue.

Women tend to get angry and disgusted when men look at porn. And yet, women are now doing it themselves (Magic Mike anyone?).  I really don’t have to explain how this is porn because if you don’t already know then we have bigger issues.

Why is porn bad? It’s harmless right? It can even make my marriage better?

No, i’m sorry it isn’t harmless. I could tell you stores of how it is not harmless. I’ve seen the struggle in people I’ve known. I’ve seen the pain when it takes over and becomes an addiction.

Porn ruins and skews our view of what sex should be and removes intimacy from the table. It gives us unattainable expectations and when those expectations can’t be reached it causes disconnect between partners. Porn can and has ruined lives and marriages.

The bible says in Philippians 4:8 “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

I am not judging anyone for reading these books or watching these moves. Because if i judge then i will be judged. I am not a perfect Christian by any means. I screw up daily and need God’s grace to pick me up and dust me off. I have made many mistakes and bad judgment calls in the 25 years I’ve been on this earth. So please, don’t take this blog as judgment or condemnation. That is not at all my want or intention. This is just something i feel in my heart that needs to be addressed.

Love and many blessings,

Cecily

What He Requires Of Me

I’ve always loved Micah 6:8, “And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” . But today it really has me thinking. Do i do these things? Do i do what He requires? Do i act justly? Do i love mercy? And is my walk a humble one? I sure hope so. But i know not all of the time.

Since the new year started I’ve been walking for an hour every day. Normally i listen to music during this time…from worship, to punk rock to some ghetto rap. But today i decided to listen to an audio book – Margaret Fienburg’s “Hungry for God”. While listening i found my self crying as i walked up and down my drive way…yes, i walk around and around my driveway for an hour….sometimes when its cold i wear a bright pink hat with ear flaps…i ultimately look like a dork when i walk. But that’s beside the point.

Margaret’s book really struck a chord with me and where i have been lately. Hungry. Needing a little push. Focused on my own life and everyday duties. My own wants and plans for this year.

After my walk i log on to Facebook and see the scripture in Proverbs 31:25 “She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs with no fear of the future”, which has been a scripture i try to live by as of late.

All these 3 things combined have me taking a look at myself and asking “Am i doing this right? Am i living what i preach? Am i living in step with God? Is my heart in these places, walking with no fear and laughing at the future because i have peace that i am taken care of? Can i say that i seek justice and that i love mercy? Is my heart too bogged down with this and that to have any room for God and to be His hands and feet to a desperate and hurting world? I am willing to say “send me! use me!”.

Am i doing what he requires of me? Am i living a life that reflects Him?

These questions are making take a check of what i am living for and what i am doing here. I feel God tugging at my heart today to be open. To have a soft heart. To lean not on my understanding but to lean on His. To press my ear to him and listen to what He wants from this humble servant of His.

So, here’s to soft, open hearts, eyes and ears. May we all be open-hearted enough to do what He requires of us – “To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God”

~Cecily