“Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.” – Ecclesiastes 3:11
December 2012 was my first Christmas in GA and also my first Christmas away from my family. It was a very tough season for me. Earlier that year in April i officially moved to the peach state. I was also newly married. It was a very hard season of change for me. So a week before Christmas i decided to try an anti-depressant for the first time. It helped. So i stayed on it. Fast forward to January of this year, i made the decision to come off of Celexa for the simple reason that i just didn’t need it anymore.
“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” – Philippians 1:6
It’s been a rough road. Even though i came off gradually i still got electric shock feelings and over all tingling sensations all over my body which made not only working and interacting but also just the simple act of being awake very hard. Brain fog and balance problems were there too. Oh and emotions. Crazy, roller coaster emotions as well.
I feel like the flood gates have broken open and every single emotion i have and have ever had is coming by to say “hello” and “i’m just going to make my home here and never leave”.
But, i think there is something here to learn. I have this crazy feeling God is in this. After many days and nights crying out to Him about how i can’t control these emotions and feelings of mine i slowly feel like my heart is changing and coming to understand that this is clean up time. This is Cecily heart maintenance. And it’s a rough, painful job.
“There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build” – Ecclesiastes 3:1-3
God is really using this time of my life to show me just how cold and lost my heart is when i don’t keep Him at the center of my life. He is bringing to light all of the crappy feelings i have let fester inside of me for too long. Things that it’s time to let go of. Things that He wants me to see through His eyes. Not my own.
“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” – Romans 12:2
To be honest, it has left me drained and exhausted. Drained because it’s a fight. A fight between my self and God and the enemy. I don’t want to surrender and moreover the enemy doesn’t want me to surrender. Because if i do surrender God will take over. I won’t be able to hold on to the anger, fear, insecurity and pain that i have found a home in for so long. If i surrender God will make this mess beautiful.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28
I am not very beautiful right now. My heart needs maintenance. It needs to be broken. I need to be broken so i can be made new. There is a season for everything. This is my season to be made new. To let God take all this junk in this heart and to make it love what He loves and see how He sees and act how He acts. Oh how i want that.
“He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” Revelation 21:5
So as much as i feel beat i know i am not. I know this is the valley on the way to what God has planned. And i am so excited to see what He has at the end of this valley. My eyes are wide with hope and expectancy. I will wait and i will fight and i will surrender. I will let my God, my King fight for me because i don’t have the strength to fight on my own. And in the end it will be beautiful and i will be refined.
I’ve heard it said that God loves you too much to leave you the way that you are. I think that is true.
“These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold–though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.” – 1 Peter 1:7